Monday, 20 June 2011


On Saturday I visited Lucy in Manchester with her two oldest friends, Beth and Anita. She doesn’t want a hen night, so we thought a day of eating would be an acceptable alternative.

As I had no time or kitchen to bake a cake, Beth went Konditor and Cook in London and bought a delicious curly wurly cake (ask a Scotsman to say “I could murder a curly wurly”. Hours of fun). I decorated it in the traditional hen party style of a tiger wearing a veil with the Lucyword “nuptula”, which clearly means a lady who is getting married soon.

We had dinner at Green's, where vegetarians can enjoy the luxury of menu choice. We must have been bamboozled because we all plumped for the same thing – vegetarian black pudding, all the taste with none of the blood, and vegetarian sausage and mash. If I had to choose a last meal prior to execution, it would be sausies and mash. Beth, Lucy and Anita said their last meal would be more cheese-based and Beth wanted a full four hours to enjoy it properly. Frankly I think the executioner might see through her stalling tactics.

With only a week to go before Lucy’s wedding, it was time to unseal a document she had written with Beth over ten years ago entitled “The Ideal Man”. Commendables included “likes a drink”, “likes his food”, “hygiene”, “good name” and “cat lover”. We scored Mark highly in all categories, though he “could do better” when it comes to loving kitties. Lucy’s list of things to avoid was longer and more prescriptive. Again, Mark scored very highly as he has short clean fingernails, has never owned a snake as a pet or received a criminal custodial sentence, is not “a knobhead who thinks he’s marvellous” and doesn't  have any "minging jewellery". Nor is he a Mackem. We agreed that Mark is the ideal man and that after ten years of research, Lucy has indeed found Mr Wright.

We left on Sunday morning, leaving Mark to enjoy his first father’s day and waving goodbye to this smiley little sweetheart.

See you all again next week!

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